The Beauty of Heartbreak

    Pain is a response that we as humans try to avoid, we are given anesthesia before and after surgery to delay pain, when we are injured, we take painkillers to function. For emotional pain or stress, we turn to a variety of things to make it go away. We like to think as humans that being numb would be a beautiful thing, to never know pain ever again, to live our lives without ever being hurt. But, there is something we forget about pain. It is the indicator to us that something is wrong.  What better lesson is there to avoid a hot stove than a burned finger, how many of us learned not to play with sharp things with a stitch or two. The pain reminds us that this is something dangerous, and something we should avoid. Pain can also be rewarding on some level. Think of the scraped knees you earned while learning how to ride a bike. It sucked when we fell off the  bike, but we bandaged our wounds, got back on, and learned to ride. Think of the pain that comes with working out in the beginning. You are so sore that you wonder why you even began. But in time, the pain brings strength, and does you good. The heart is no exception. As the most delicate of organs it is the one we shelter the most because the pain of heartache can be for some people simply unbearable.  But, there is something to consider in the pain of heartache; the choice of numbing it, or going through it. Some people choose the first option, to wall themselves off from feeling pain, and when you find a way into their  heart, they pull away for fear of getting hurt. But in doing that, they wall themselves off from everything.  In addition to keeping the pain at bay, you keep joy, and love at bay as well. I have chosen the secod option, I feel the pain, and feel it fully, but take the lesson from the pain. If I never had my heart broken, I wouldn’t know what to shield it from to avoid it the next time. If I never knew the longing of lonliness, I won’t be able to appreciate true complete companionship when it comes. How can I truly be grateful for the harvest of joy if I hadn’t sown in tears? And, how can I know and feel and embrace the beauty of real love if I hadn’t felt it in the wrong way. I came dangerously close to wanting to be numb. To giving up and resigning myself to never having the husband and family I have wanted for so many years. I have been told I’m too picky, I’m not picky enough, my standards are too high,  my standards are too low. I’m too reserved, I come across desperate, I come across as unavailable. And it’s probably all of these and none of these at the same time. But, the truth of it is, part of me is scared to try again, for the past. I never gave of myself so much and got so little in return, and the thought of going through that over and over again is painful. It’s easier to be alone, to give up, to accept that “it’s not in the cards for me” and throw myself fully into my career, and letting my students be my surrogate children. Why marry to just run the risk of getting a divorce? Why have a child to give them the hangups I have? Why give your heart away for someone to break it? While I understand the sentiment of a person who feels that way, I can’t imagine a more devastating way to live either. If I don’t marry I’ll never know the beauty of the covenant of a godly marriage (not to mention planning the Cinderella wedding that goes with it), I’ll never know the joy of hearing “I Love You Mommy” if I never have children.  And If I don’t take the risk of giving my heart away, I’ll never know the sweet sweet joy and release of knowing it is in the hands of someone who wll never break it again. So, for that I find beauty in my heartbreak. I know I will heal and in the healing be renewed and strengthened . Love with conditions helps you appreciate unconditional love. Some relationships work as “samplers”, you get just enough of a taste to whet your appetite for something more substantial and fulfilling. The problem comes for someone who is hungry and hasn’t eaten in a while, you return for the sample over and over again, not realizing that there is a full course waiting, and never feeling fully satisfied. So, I appreciate the sample for what it was, because it gave me a taste for what I truly want.

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